Five Weeks In!
Apr. 19th, 2020 09:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lunylovegoodlovertl;dr I'm very bored, does anyone have youtube or fic recommendations? I really don't need to know the fandom for fics, I just don't want sads right now. And re youtube I don't care, I just am running out of BA Test Kitchen videos and honestly don't know what else to do with my day. I
This is going to be a lot of stream of consciousness garbage because I honestly have no idea how I'm doing right now. Like, am I real? Is time passing? Can I just sleep until the shelter in place order is lifted? Am I a mess or do I just need to eat a granola bar?
So the obvious thing is that I am finally reacting to this the way I would have assumed I would react to this, which is to say, shutting down. I was suuuuuper anxious about everything a couple weeks ago (???? three weeks? maybe four?) which, on top of the general panic, freaked me out bc I am not an anxious person normally. I am the one who talks my friends with anxiety through things and hopefully does a decent job of stifling my impatience with them freaking out about what to me are tiny irrelevant details. But a pandemic is a whole new level, and I am not cut out to deal with panicking about it.
Luckily, we seem to have reverted to my usual combo of flatness, minor I-still-don't-know-if-they're-technically-panic-attacks-but-they-sure-feel-like-a-lot episodes, and, as per always, lowkey boiling with rage because it's more productive than despair and the world SUCKS right now.
At the bottom of it I'm just bored. And lonely. And kinda shaking out of my skin because as of today it's been five weeks since I touched another human being. Though the shaking might also be my lowkey inability to feed myself - every time I think I'm in a decent routine I fall out of it.
I feel really bad for wishing things at work would get busy again, because everyone else at work is either already super busy, and/or has a lot of personal stuff to deal with, and/or is still recovering from the last time things exploded. But dear lord I have done so little work recently I'm going insane. I need some structure. I'm also feeling like I should be more proactive and go-gettery and like, do something cool and helpful without having someone explicitly tell me I should, but, uh. I have no idea what to do. Granted, I've technically only been in this job for three months, and the last one has been, shall we say, abnormal. But I'm soooooooooooo bored. (which I know is a privilege right now but like, there's only so much guilt my body can handle)
The other thing I'm worried about is my wrists. This has really driven home how privileged I am that acupuncture is normally something I can do every other week. And like, my wrists haven't fallen off in the last five weeks, but also I think the tendinitis has spread above my elbow now and that's. Not great. I'm trying to limit my scrolling time and improve my posture and stuff but it turns out that sometimes when confronting existential despair you just want to curl in a ball on your bed and scroll tumblr until you hit the end of your dash.
Goals for the next week:
-go grocery shopping tomorrow without panicking
-eat three meals a day
-drink at least one bottle of water a day (the big one)
-go outside every other day
-eat a vegetable
-exercise at least a little at least once a day
-talk to a human being at least once a day
I just cannot believe that this is going to be how the world is, off and on, for like, the next two years. Conceptually I understand that it takes time to create a vaccine and that even two years is a miracle timeline compared to historical precedent, but OH MY GOD how are we all going to spend the next two years in this much panic. Like I have faith that we will eventually get to a place where we can loosen shelter in place orders - we are not at that point yet, and the people pushing for it to happen are the exact people who failed to make the necessary moves to get us to that point (can we call him the president if he's completely failing to live up to the oath of office????) - but. Like. This is going to be hanging over us for a long time. And I don't like that. I know there are a lot of people screaming about how we can't just go back to normal and of course I want to see some systematic policy changes but also I just want to be able to fly across the country and hug my family. I was thinking about that today and honestly the hardest part would be getting to the airport - like, I can't metro, I can't take a lyft...
Anyway. Turns out the granola bar did help some. I am doing okay overall, it's just that I need somewhere to vent all the bad stuff and this is it!
This is going to be a lot of stream of consciousness garbage because I honestly have no idea how I'm doing right now. Like, am I real? Is time passing? Can I just sleep until the shelter in place order is lifted? Am I a mess or do I just need to eat a granola bar?
So the obvious thing is that I am finally reacting to this the way I would have assumed I would react to this, which is to say, shutting down. I was suuuuuper anxious about everything a couple weeks ago (???? three weeks? maybe four?) which, on top of the general panic, freaked me out bc I am not an anxious person normally. I am the one who talks my friends with anxiety through things and hopefully does a decent job of stifling my impatience with them freaking out about what to me are tiny irrelevant details. But a pandemic is a whole new level, and I am not cut out to deal with panicking about it.
Luckily, we seem to have reverted to my usual combo of flatness, minor I-still-don't-know-if-they're-technically-panic-attacks-but-they-sure-feel-like-a-lot episodes, and, as per always, lowkey boiling with rage because it's more productive than despair and the world SUCKS right now.
At the bottom of it I'm just bored. And lonely. And kinda shaking out of my skin because as of today it's been five weeks since I touched another human being. Though the shaking might also be my lowkey inability to feed myself - every time I think I'm in a decent routine I fall out of it.
I feel really bad for wishing things at work would get busy again, because everyone else at work is either already super busy, and/or has a lot of personal stuff to deal with, and/or is still recovering from the last time things exploded. But dear lord I have done so little work recently I'm going insane. I need some structure. I'm also feeling like I should be more proactive and go-gettery and like, do something cool and helpful without having someone explicitly tell me I should, but, uh. I have no idea what to do. Granted, I've technically only been in this job for three months, and the last one has been, shall we say, abnormal. But I'm soooooooooooo bored. (which I know is a privilege right now but like, there's only so much guilt my body can handle)
The other thing I'm worried about is my wrists. This has really driven home how privileged I am that acupuncture is normally something I can do every other week. And like, my wrists haven't fallen off in the last five weeks, but also I think the tendinitis has spread above my elbow now and that's. Not great. I'm trying to limit my scrolling time and improve my posture and stuff but it turns out that sometimes when confronting existential despair you just want to curl in a ball on your bed and scroll tumblr until you hit the end of your dash.
Goals for the next week:
-go grocery shopping tomorrow without panicking
-eat three meals a day
-drink at least one bottle of water a day (the big one)
-go outside every other day
-eat a vegetable
-exercise at least a little at least once a day
-talk to a human being at least once a day
I just cannot believe that this is going to be how the world is, off and on, for like, the next two years. Conceptually I understand that it takes time to create a vaccine and that even two years is a miracle timeline compared to historical precedent, but OH MY GOD how are we all going to spend the next two years in this much panic. Like I have faith that we will eventually get to a place where we can loosen shelter in place orders - we are not at that point yet, and the people pushing for it to happen are the exact people who failed to make the necessary moves to get us to that point (can we call him the president if he's completely failing to live up to the oath of office????) - but. Like. This is going to be hanging over us for a long time. And I don't like that. I know there are a lot of people screaming about how we can't just go back to normal and of course I want to see some systematic policy changes but also I just want to be able to fly across the country and hug my family. I was thinking about that today and honestly the hardest part would be getting to the airport - like, I can't metro, I can't take a lyft...
Anyway. Turns out the granola bar did help some. I am doing okay overall, it's just that I need somewhere to vent all the bad stuff and this is it!