Hi I’m a bit of a mess today
Mar. 30th, 2020 11:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lunylovegoodloverFor the record, I am about as fine as anyone can be expected to be in the middle of a pandemic. That being said, if I was my friend I’d be worried about me today so I’m trying to yell myself into taking better care of myself. And like, try to process emotions instead of just repressing them or something like that.
Is it possible to subconsciously suppress your appetite because you’re scared of grocery shopping? I’m kinda bad at getting three square meals a day even at the best of times, and I know that my appetite falls when I’m stressed, but I’ve never so starkly gone like a full 48 hours on a couple of granola bars and bags of fruit snacks because I just... didn’t feel hungry. Thankfully my system seems to have restarted (though I may have messed up again tonight by eating dinner too late and choosing to eat something I knew I didn’t like that much).
It’s just. I don’t think I can safely justify being in an enclosed space with elderly people like at say a grocery store until Friday, at which point it’ll be two weeks since my roommate came out of self-quarantine (she was sick, she hasn’t been tested but it was likely the virus, she came out when she hadn’t had symptoms for 72 hours per CDC guidelines but I’m paranoid). And the last time I went to the grocery store was super anxiety inducing even before that particular stress.
And I know that there are solutions. That I’m probably fine if I do need to go to the store, that I can get food delivered if I need to, that I have enough lentils and rice to get me through at least a week. But deep down in my subconscious I don’t think I completely understand that, because every time I go to eat something it feels like I should delay it. And I know that’s deeply unhealthy and that food is necessary and that there’s no logical reason for me to be acting like I’m food insecure when I’m not, there is genuinely no problem here except for the fact that my roommate came upstairs a week ago and said she probably had the virus and shattered any sense of security I felt in my house. I’m so, so mad at her for getting sick, even though I *know* it’s not her fault. But she keeps making small comments that make me think she’s not taking things seriously, and while none of her actions have been irresponsible I keep assuming the worst. Like, did she go over to her boyfriend’s yesterday? I don’t know! She said something that implied that she had, but maybe I’m misinterpreting!
It turns out that even I need more in-person human interaction than I’ve been getting. It just turns out that if the person in question is a roommate you’re not close to - and who maybe it turns out you don’t actually like all that much, not because she did anything wrong but just because she unquantifiably rubs you the wrong way - then maybe no human contact would be better.
Virginia’s shelter in place order lasts until June 10. If I have to spend the next two months here I’m genuinely a little scared for my mental health. I know today was probably just a sucky day and tomorrow will be better, but tomorrow has even less happening than today did, so that’s not guaranteed! Anyway, the point of all of this is that I’ve started to do a cost benefit analysis of staying here vs flying home and just self quarantining there for two weeks, which would be the same as being here except I wouldn’t have to be responsible for feeding myself and I’d have the promise of a hug on the other end. It would just mean more work for my family, including kicking my sister out of the good guest bedroom. So I don’t want to do that unless I need to, but also wow I could use a hug right now.
Is it possible to subconsciously suppress your appetite because you’re scared of grocery shopping? I’m kinda bad at getting three square meals a day even at the best of times, and I know that my appetite falls when I’m stressed, but I’ve never so starkly gone like a full 48 hours on a couple of granola bars and bags of fruit snacks because I just... didn’t feel hungry. Thankfully my system seems to have restarted (though I may have messed up again tonight by eating dinner too late and choosing to eat something I knew I didn’t like that much).
It’s just. I don’t think I can safely justify being in an enclosed space with elderly people like at say a grocery store until Friday, at which point it’ll be two weeks since my roommate came out of self-quarantine (she was sick, she hasn’t been tested but it was likely the virus, she came out when she hadn’t had symptoms for 72 hours per CDC guidelines but I’m paranoid). And the last time I went to the grocery store was super anxiety inducing even before that particular stress.
And I know that there are solutions. That I’m probably fine if I do need to go to the store, that I can get food delivered if I need to, that I have enough lentils and rice to get me through at least a week. But deep down in my subconscious I don’t think I completely understand that, because every time I go to eat something it feels like I should delay it. And I know that’s deeply unhealthy and that food is necessary and that there’s no logical reason for me to be acting like I’m food insecure when I’m not, there is genuinely no problem here except for the fact that my roommate came upstairs a week ago and said she probably had the virus and shattered any sense of security I felt in my house. I’m so, so mad at her for getting sick, even though I *know* it’s not her fault. But she keeps making small comments that make me think she’s not taking things seriously, and while none of her actions have been irresponsible I keep assuming the worst. Like, did she go over to her boyfriend’s yesterday? I don’t know! She said something that implied that she had, but maybe I’m misinterpreting!
It turns out that even I need more in-person human interaction than I’ve been getting. It just turns out that if the person in question is a roommate you’re not close to - and who maybe it turns out you don’t actually like all that much, not because she did anything wrong but just because she unquantifiably rubs you the wrong way - then maybe no human contact would be better.
Virginia’s shelter in place order lasts until June 10. If I have to spend the next two months here I’m genuinely a little scared for my mental health. I know today was probably just a sucky day and tomorrow will be better, but tomorrow has even less happening than today did, so that’s not guaranteed! Anyway, the point of all of this is that I’ve started to do a cost benefit analysis of staying here vs flying home and just self quarantining there for two weeks, which would be the same as being here except I wouldn’t have to be responsible for feeding myself and I’d have the promise of a hug on the other end. It would just mean more work for my family, including kicking my sister out of the good guest bedroom. So I don’t want to do that unless I need to, but also wow I could use a hug right now.
